Raves

Posted on 8 Oct 2008 at 10:10

 

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Last month I confessed to you that my new live-in lover has a beautiful body, the agility of a Leopard and a twin-core appetite that's up for anything.

I also let slip that she has brought her new baby into my household: the gorgeous little Pippa. After only a few weeks in their company I am truly wedded to the Mac clan, but I confess that it is wee Pippa who is proving even more delightful than her ravishing mother. Before I allowed her into the house I knew I would be able to exploit Pippa's telepathic powers of communication via phone, email and the web. But the fact that I can carry her around in my pocket as my constant companion is changing my life.

It took her less than two minutes to learn to talk, and now she can remember anything I say and repeat it to me during those senior moments when I forget what the hell I'm supposed to be doing. Within the hour, she was able to translate my words into myriad foreign languages, which is invaluable in my less-than-fluent existence. Thanks to a single-click access to my PayPal account, Pippa now looks after my day-to-day finances as well as my business transactions. She delivers the bits from my favourite newspapers that I really want to read, including the crosswords, and she never forgets to record my daily episode of The Archers. She can also record all the TV programmes I haven't got time to watch, but that would be a waste of her memory. Instead she has become the archive of the tens of thousands of tunes, photographs and books that form the accompaniment to my entire life, all available at the stroke of her beautiful translucent face.

App-y days

Did I mention that Pippa does all this for free? I have not paid a penny for any of these magical gifts and treasures to which her family has given me access. They call it App Store. I call it Paradise. This morning, Pippa turned into a light-sabre, complete with sensory motion and Star Wars sound effects. Normally I would consider this sort of thing utterly pointless, but somehow I find everything she does compelling and charming.

I was out and about at the weekend, walking in unfamiliar woodlands, and I had a bit of a Blair Witch experience wandering around in circles pursued by unseen homicidal maniacs. Pippa came to my rescue, using her built-in satellite navigation to pinpoint my exact position on the surface of the planet and lead me to safety, and simultaneously indicate the location of the nearest pub. These are the powers of a guardian angel, and I am smitten.

Author: Mel Croucher