Rants

Posted on 8 Jun 2009 at 15:29

 

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While Simon Edwards reveals a cunning plan to deal with phone spam...

Have you recently experienced an accident at work? We just wanted to let you know that we're in your area and would like to give you a free quote. Of course, you're not obliged to buy our double-glazing, fascias, soffits, a new drive or a great mobile phone deal. Now please provide some personal details for verification and our representative will be with you at your earliest convenience.

And so it goes: the 'telephone spam' known as cold-calling or telemarketing. Companies buy your details from other companies and call you at the least opportune moments to sell you things you don't want. When I'm in the middle of a domestic argument, washing up the dishes or a bottle of gin (it is no coincidence that I've listed those items in that order), the last thing I need to hear about is new guttering. And yet somehow the sales drones have a knack of picking the worst time to call, which means it's time for action.

The sensible approach to solving the problem of unsolicited phone calls is to register with the Telephone Preference Service (TPS). You can access its website at www.tpsonline.org.uk/tps, whereupon you enter various details including whether your number is residential, belongs to a sole trader or applies to one of a number of other options culminating in 'PLC'.

You then type in your phone number and postcode, choose your address from a list and lose the will to live. That's not entirely fair, but you do have to answer a fair few questions, including your reason for registering. "To stop unwanted telephone marketing calls" is the most appropriate option. If there were one with fruitier language I'd pick that instead.

You should then receive an email containing a link. Click it and your telephone spam hell ought to be over. It won't be, of course, but at least you can now complain about companies that bother you. You'd do so by registering a complaint on the TPS site.

Childish pleasures

Of course, this is the measured, mature approach I'd expect Shopper readers to take. It would be wholly childish and debasing to goad innocent call-centre staff by pretending to be deaf, stupid or interested. You need time and energy to play practical jokes on the lovely people who have disturbed you from the dishes. Or at least you need an easy-to-follow flowchart designed to do all the hard work for you.

Such a chart can be found at http://tinyurl.com/counterscript. This anti-telemarketing tool is similar to the charts used by telephone spammers. It works something like this:

Sales drone [SD]: Blah blah, in your area, free quote, blah blah blah.

You [reading from the chart]: To whom am I speaking?

SD: Fred Bloggs.

You: Could you spell your name for me?

The scripted conversation will continue for some time, as you plough further into your script to discover such gems as "how long have you been in the telemarketing business?", "How much do you earn?" and "Do you get time off for going to a dentist?"

The script even contains measures for when the caller fails to cooperate. For example, if they continue to ask questions, you'd respond: "I can't provide this information because I need unprejudiced answers." If they want to know what happens to the answers, you say: "I can appreciate your hesitation, but this is an important piece of information used for verification purposes and I will handle it with strict confidentiality." Finally, if they get upset, you say: "Do you have a problem answering questions to a stranger on the phone about which you don't know the purposes?"