Raves

Posted on 8 Sep 2009 at 14:46

 

Gallery

Mel Croucher doesn't think you should be embarrassed if you've given your computer a pet name - just don't call it Hermione sodding Granger.

There was a time when genitals were named after fictional characters such as John Thomas, Willy Wonka and Tufty. These days, when I ask passers-by what they call their reproductive bits, they are increasingly likely to use computer-related pet names like Dongle, Mouse, Floppy and Hard Drive. The funny thing is, people don't seem to be embarrassed at all when it comes to revealing what they call their private parts, but when I ask them what names they give to their computers they shut up like a bearded clam.

Honestly friends, there's nothing to be coy about. All you need to do is follow a few simple rules, which I will set out for you here and now. There's no need to thank me. I consider it part of my public duty to put an end to your computer name embarrassment, and help you overcome your personal shame. So, are you sitting comfortably? Then let us begin.

First of all, you must give your computer a name that's appropriate to its sex. PCs running Windows are all male, heterosexual, feckless and unemployed. Traditional single-syllable names are best for them, such as Bob or Jack. Apple computers are female sirens or posh totty, depending on their age and model. Mine is called Verity and no, you can't have her. Linux machines are transsexuals, and may be named something gender-neutral like Evelyn, Alex or Jessie. You can also use Mel for this purpose, although I would consider that to be poor taste. Laptops are definitely gay, and you should name them after classic icons such as Dietrich, Sappho, Oscar, Quentin or Br?no.

Please remember never, ever, ever to name your computer after any character from Lord Of The Rings, The Chronicles Of Narnia or Harry Potter. So that's a total ban on the likes of Bilbo, Gandalf, Sauron, Aslan, Caspian, Dumbledore and Hermione sodding Granger. On the other hand, you are free to use the name of fictional computers such as Orac, HAL, Proteus, Mother, Skynet, VIKI, Holly or Deep Thought, but only if you haunt social network sites and have no real friends. Also, please bear in mind that computers become obsolete very quickly, and today's Zeus, the supreme being, will become tomorrow's Hypnos, god of sleep.

File servers should be named after fictional or real slaves and helpers, such as Spartacus, Alfred and Lassie. When it comes to the naming of networks, size matters. Large, corporate networks should have sinister names like Sith or Borg, but small private networks should be called something friendly like Trumpton, so that individual terminals can be named Pugh, Pugh, Barney McGrew, Cuthbert, Dibble and Grubb. Of course, that only works when one Pugh is a mirror backup of the other. Which leads me on to the naming of backup drives. The universal name for these is bastard, but you can substitute the name of any politician, irrespective of party. The exception to this rule is Vince, which is the correct name for any reliable cable.

And finally, what name should you give to your hard drive? Scientific research proves that all hard drives of any speed or capacity are named Dick. Which brings us back to where we came in. Thank you for your attention. I'm off to access Pussy Galore, an ageing model with a faded display and an unreliable cooling fan.

Author: Mel Croucher