Opinion: Peak performance

Posted on 12 Oct 2009 at 11:22

 

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The lads had every conceivable electronic device with them, including phone, BlackBerry, still and movie cameras with extra lenses and iPods. And Barry the parrot - a small stuffed bird that sounded forth with expletives when you pulled a ring on a string that emanated from his bum.

Roger, the prospective groom, had Barry plus a Freeloader Pro solar charger strapped to his rucksack. Every time anyone passed Roger on the trail they would pull Barry's string, setting off a stream of foul language (every bit equal to Jeff's best) and make arrangements to borrow the Freeloader to recharge their batteries. Lee was at the head of the queue, having exhausted his BlackBerry in two days flat.

Signal duty

Sadly, the Freeloader had an adaptor cable for larger Nokia power sockets but not for mine (why are there so many types?), so I watched enviously at the first camp as people charged about identifying where they could get the strongest signal. By the time we got to Barafu camp, the last before attempting the summit, nobody could get a signal. Except for Massimo, a 50-year-old Italian, who'd previously climbed the Matterhorn and Mont Blanc and leapt up every obstacle like a mountain goat. He didn't even have the decency to sweat or breathe hard, despite carrying a bulky satellite phone with a battery that looked like it would last till Christmas. His phone worked everywhere; goodness knows at what cost.

We set off for the summit at midnight in freezing temperatures. As a precaution I'd stashed the batteries for both my camera and phone in a shirt pocket because, if they get really cold, even fully charged ones stop working, and that would really spoil the fun. After six hours of hard, hard slog, we finally arrived at the top, where the decision to keep the batteries warm was fully justified - half the people there had dead cameras and were begging others to take the all-important photo by the 'Highest Mountain in Africa' sign.

It was time to try sending the crucial message home. When I turned on the phone I was greeted with a strong signal and an email offering to make key bits of me bigger, which, considering it was -15 centigrade, might, for once, have been appropriate. You can't work a mobile phone wearing insulated gloves, so I took them off. Sadly, it was so cold that my fingers froze in seconds and I couldn't work the miserable little buttons. If I'd had any sense I'd have pre-written the message and had it ready to send, but at that altitude (19,850 feet) my brain wasn't working.

This is an ex-parrot

Later that day, at muddy Mweka camp at a mere 10,000 feet, I finally got a signal again and despatched the message while Roger, sick of Barry's swearing, ceremoniously killed him by ripping out his activation chord and jumping on him until the voice box broke.

When I got home I was greeted by a news item suggesting that in the future the annual heating allowance may not be payable to all senior citizens and, to add insult to injury, local councils want to stop issuing free bus passes to all. I'd better get back to work, then. At least I'm better off than Barry.

Author: David Robinson