The worst simulators ever
Why do we do it to ourselves? Some of the dullest activities known to man have somehow earned their own simulation games. Here are some of the worst offenders
Video games are a fantastic way to escape from reality, exploring alien worlds, fighting in epic battles and doing things that are generally impossible to pull off in real life. That's why we find it so hard to see the appeal of simulation games, as they manage to boil down a lifetime of monotony into a single CD-sized chunk of despair and depression.
We've put together a list of the ten worst offenders, which are so soul-destroyingly dull and boring they should be assigned to their own circle of hell.
10. London Faversham High Speed
The only thing possibly worse than a highly-detailed UK rail simulator is a highly-detailed UK rail simulator on a specific London-Kent commuter route. Complete with lovingly-rendered biscuits.
This is a genuine screenshot from LFHS - OH THE EXCITEMENT
We'd love to see the Venn diagram showing the small subset of gamers that actually take simulations seriously and the number of people that actually know the London Faversham High Speed route. We bet it's absolutely flying off the shelves.
Less enjoyable than: licking the neck of a sweaty tramp
9. Pro Cycling Manager
We love the Tour de France, the drama, the suffering, the epic length, the personal ambitions and rivalries, all played out against an array of fantastic landscapes. However, we think that this cycling simulation is a step too far.
Quick, break out the water bottles - stamina has dropped to YELLOW
Boiling down the sport to hard numbers may please Sir Dave Brailsford and his rule of marginal gains, but the idea of spending hour-upon-hour managing power outputs, hydration levels and the aerodynamic tactics of a tour team, in order to get your man to the finish line marginally before your opponents is something even we can't stomach. The tour isn't virtual and that's the way we like it. Selecting Lance Armstrong doesn't unlock a secret blood doping option, either. If you're going for accuracy...
Less enjoyable than: Applying Boris Johnson's chamois creme (pre-ride lube. yep, it's a thing)
8. Eve Online
Eve Online gets plenty of media attention when unscrupulous bandits manage to take down giant galactic cruisers, costing the owner thousands of pounds in real world money. Simulated space battles of gigantic proportions sound brilliant, what's not to like?
I HAVE NO IDEA WHAT I'M DOING
Just about everything, apparently. It's more spreadsheet wars than Star Wars, with huge amounts of number crunching, painfully slow movement and, most importantly, no z-axis movement. When you're at the helm of a planet-eating star destroyer, you don't want to be in cruise control, and this completely shatters any sense of actual space travel.
Less enjoyable than: A back to back marathon of the Star Wars prequels