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The worst simulators ever

Why do we do it to ourselves? Some of the dullest activities known to man have somehow earned their own simulation games. Here are some of the worst offenders

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7. Ship Simulator Extremes Oil Tanker

Ship Simulator Extremes is apparently more “extreme” than the vanilla edition because it has weather. Beyond the glut of regular tankers, you get the option to captain Greenpeace’s Rainbow Warrior – although we deduct points because there’s no houmous or acoustic guitar on deck.

Literally nothing interesting happens in this clip. Nothing.

Instead, you have to put up with hours and hours of monotonous diesel-throbbing shipping from the Middle East to Europe. There aren’t even any Somali pirates to liven things up.

Less enjoyable than: Being thrown overboard with an anchor tied to your feet

6. A320 Airbus

It’s great to have dreams, so we could understand a 777 Dreamliner simulator, but A320 Airbus has to be for wannnabe pilots that have already consigned themselves to a life of miserable inadequacy.

Instead of flying to exotic locations, you get to pilot a 30 year old wreck with wings into Düsseldorf. We don’t know whether the two hour bus transfer from airport to city centre is part of the simulation.

Less enjoyable than:A round-the-world economy class flight with Ryanair

5. Oil Platform Simulator

The only thing worse than being at the helm of a virtual oil tanker must be being put in charge of a virtual oil platform. It can’t move and everything is electronically controlled, so you barely do anything. It makes us wonder when Paint Drying Simulator 2013 will be hitting Steam.

Apparently there’s a cheat code which gives you huge profits, but put it in too many times and the oil platform will explode and flood the coast of Louisiana.*
*absolutely not true

Less enjoyable than: Hosing down Exxon-soaked seabirds

4. Babysitting Mama

There’s simply no way to describe the horror that is Babysitting Mama. Majesco tried to pass it off as “the first interactive baby and Wii game together”, but this creepy Cooking Mama baby-sim does something no other simulator does. It gives you an actual plush baby to take care of, and worst of all, you have to jam your Wii Remote into its spine in order to play with it.

A typical babysitting session involves rocking your cyborg spawn to sleep, shaking it back and forth to mimic pushing it on a swing and slapping its back to make its virtual counterpart burb a gas cloud of wires and batteries. If this is what some people think real life child-rearing is like, we’re doomed.

Less enjoyable than: Waking up at 3am to discover your own child’s just had a serious case of diarrhoea

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